periodically, i take a good look at myself in the mirror. i know that i am my own worst and best critic. i'm at peace with that. but sometimes, you have to let someone else examine you. someone who's opinion you care for. someone you love.
in this case, it's my good friend medical girl. she wrote a very brief mighty maloney assessment. i guess i don't give myself enough credit, especially as of late. thanks, dree. i admire you and your hardworking & always-on-the-go nature. i'm proud of ya, babes.
say hi to her. she's feeling lonely in london. she asked me to redesign her blog. i kept the current colour scheme but made some minor changes, namely attaching pictures of chris martin. she is a die-hard coldplay fan. (actually, we went to the coldplay concert together back in june with my other friend spanish chick.)
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with the recent change of (provincial) government, there's lots of peculiar things happening where i work. but that's a separate post to discuss. yesterday, i went to a seminar called 'coping with change' which is mandatory to all board staff. this was one of those seminars where they make us see what "type" of worker we are, in terms of how we adapt and how we are perceived by our work peers. i'm very well liked. no big surprise here :)
i've done so many of these behavioural tests before. it can be tedious, but the end result is always fascinating. there's nothing more interesting to any person than talking about himself (or in this case reading about one's self). i did know that i am a high extrovert, but apparently the test shows it is my greatest strength. previous tests always address my main strength for being flexible - my creative ability to think outside the box. the most recent results pinpoint that i use my persuasion with peers and that i have a keen abiliity to manipulate others. is this true? i'm shaking my head but i guess so.
i love people. i love the interaction. i love to talk, and i love hearing what others have to say. this is consistent with my fascination of reading other people's blogs. it's an automatic process for me to extrapolate little stories in my head analyzing the writer's frame of mind. medical girl even says that i read people like open books. i think this is greatly exaggerated.
the test confirms i'm in the right direction in terms of profession. my job is all about people (in my case, the public). it does open my eyes to different routes i could take should i choose to pursue greater career goals. perhaps venture into behavioural consulting? but then i would need a degree for that. i'm not prepared to go through a schooling ordeal again. at present time, it's unjustifiable. why? because frankly, i'm happy with complacency.
back to my original train-of-thought, i'm not embracing extroversion. afterall, there is a downside to this too. the fact that i have this blog is evidence of my weakness. think about it. i have a desire to speak outwardly, rather than have thought-implosions. this is selfishness plastered in a web forum for strangers (and some friends) to read. maslow's would classify this borderlining as a basic physiological need. balance is key. it took me 20 years to realize it's okay to be alone. i'm now comfortable in my solitude and actually look forward to spending time by myself.
no man is an island, i'm glad i'm part of a peninsula.
mighty maloney
soundtrack: 'fallen' by sarah mclachlan. [ lyrics ] after six long freakin' years, finally she releases her cd 'afterglow'. it's too early for me to give the cd a fair review, but it has been constantly playing on the stereo. i wasn't too thrilled when i first heard this song. my initial reaction was: same old sarah stuff. six years and this is the shit she comes up with? i was sadly disappointed.
it's a good thing that i've been patient with this cd. it's ironic how i was brought to tears by the time i read the lyrics. man, i'm so melodramatic because i found myself personalizing the song. i related it to difficult aspects within my past. this is an anthem of my past struggles. whatever emotional battle sarah went through, it must've been quite painful. sample lyrics:
"But we carry on our backs the burden - Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning - The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything - That I have held so dear."
i was recently asked why i refrain from sex. i'm paraphrasing, but here's the consensus: "maloney, what is it that keeps you from sex? why do you punish yourself? you're in your prime. you should be out there with dozens of guys." my stance on this subject is best illustrated by a monologue by tony ward in the documentary film 'sex life in l.a.':
"[sex]...i want to wait. i want to save it for something special and somebody special. i want to create somebody special... me."
pause.
"...i guess that's where i am going back to... i'm a virgin. it's all in here. it's what we think of ourselves."
i saw 'sex life in l.a.' about a year ago. it follows the everyday life of 8 single men in the sex industry. a horrible film, except for the scenes with tony ward. he used to be one of madonna's former boytoys. he appeared in the video 'justify my love'. tony was sincere and i was floored when i realized i felt the exact same way as his little soliloquy quoted above. i had to write down his exact speech per verbatum. here's the continuation of this speech:
"i don't have sex often these days.
pause.
why? because it's the anticlimax."
at about the same time last year, summer was done, but i was still high on a lot of promiscuous sex. week after week after week. it got to a point where i got really tired of it all. it wasn't "fun" anymore. sex, no matter how hot the guy was or how in sync i was with a partner, i would still come out thinking: 'great cardio, but so what?' i became indifferent and in a way, immune to good or even great sex. it's like smoking, you don't do because you like it. you just do it.
i'm not totally oppose to casual sex, afterall, i am human too. and, as a 25 year old, my drive is always up the wall. i do go out there and get laid. during last summer, i even made a rule that i will only have sex with one guy every two weeks, perhaps less, but no more. this was my prescription. moderation became my responsibility. (*i didn't follow it very well.*)
i know that i should just let go. i should just go ahead and fuck my brains out with the next cute guy i see. but i know in the morning, i would feel absolutely horrid. i felt inanimate. to each his own, but i'm not comfortable with leaving feelings out the door in order to get off with another guy. nevertheless, i'm comfortable with my chosen route.
i don't know how he does it. or for that matter, him as well. i commend you boys. so i'm thankful for your blogs because i'm living vicariously through you. in a huge way, a score for you is a score for me.
i can't wait to score my own goal. in the meantime, i'm a virgin again (sort of).
mighty maloney
soundtrack: 'measure of a man' by clay aiken. [ website ] [ cd review ] though clay will never win a grammy for album of the year, this is pure guilty pleasure for me. i could not help but think that it is definitely a make-out album. take a boy (or girl) home, and have clay sing in the background. it's a very interesting and eerie experience. 3 stars out of four.
this was one of the busiest and BEST weekends i have had in the last two months. everything came together. i love halloween. i don't ever recall a halloween in toronto as warm as friday's weather. also, i don't recall a time where the breeder population was three times more than the faggot population in the gay village, even during pride. there was an enormous amount of happy energy in the streets. i loved the craziness. although, there wasn't as much people in costume this year.
i've never been photographed that much in my entire life. it was constant. i walked up and down church street with some friends. they were dressed as gandalf, an indian chief, and a policeman. i felt fuckin' beautiful as i wore shiny white pleather pants, a white top, white lei, and had sparkles in my hair. we're not exactly the village people but it was enough to make some people think that we sort of were.
my gang took lots of pictures but i have no idea when i'm going to get copies. for those in toronto who might be reading this and could possibly have taken my picture alongside my friends, could you email me? please? look for a scrumptious asian with the sexy outfit and angelic face. that would be me. wink wink.
i can't wait until next halloween. although, i don't think we'll ever have the same warm halloween in toronto ever again.
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despite the friday adventure, i manage to make it to my 10:30 saturday morning class. i recall to sunshine girl about my little night of halloween fun. i tell her that i came across makeup muscle on church street [see previous posting dated 10/16/2003 04:53:03 PM] i gave him a big hug and greeted him a 'happy halloween'. i didn't particularly feel like having an extended conversation with him so i made it short and sweet. and then off i went with my troop.
what a way to have him see me while i'm at my greatest glory and most beautiful. it's also funny how makeup muscle wasn't as 'fresh' or drop dead gorgeous as i remember. i relay this back to sunshine girl and she says that it's a good sign that i'm moving on. nevertheless, somewhere deep down, i so want him. still.
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saturday night, i take my friends R&J to the toronto symphony orchestra. i wore a black long-sleeve top and dark synthethic-leather pants, this is intentional to contrast my hot white outfit from the night prior. my other friends richie rich and boyfriend, dildo boy asked us to come early before the show so we can mingle. we got there early, but they ended up not being able to make it. so, that sort of pissed me off a little. but at least i got a full tour of roy thomson hall as well as the outside patio with R&J.
we had floor seats, which were great except i did not have a good view of the the brass section. i took rubberboy to the season's opener about six weeks ago. we were both drooling over this incredibly sexy guy in the french horn section. other than that, the show was awesome.
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afterwards, i ended up at woody's with military man. he finds that halloween is his only excuse to wear his military uniform. we were there to watch 'the sexiest halloween costume' contest hosted by the lovely sofonda cox. i think she's absolutely gorgeous.
no one is as spirited as her when it comes to dancing on the stage. she always works hard at her routines. ah man, it shows. and her outfits, she's always creative. my other faves include misakiu, nicolette brown and the ladies of sas. i guess this is the new batch of drag queens, much younger. and they've been slowly taking over the shows in which michelle ross and chris edwards would usually take. i guess that's life - in with the new, out with the old. chris edwards now heads thursday nights at bar 501, much less profile bar than woody's.
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did i mention i got lucky two nights in a row? yes, your mighty hero got lucky. he he he. i'll talk more about this later because it touches on a subject that i've been wanting to talk about for awhile now - which is my approach towards sex.
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today is my older brother mike's birthday. he turns 28. we had a family gathering at his place. i finally saw his new apartment with his wife. the entire familia was there. some miscellaneous thoughts about the family gathering:
#1 i finally found my missing dvd's. i guess it's now part of my brother's dvd collection.
#2 i'm comforted by the fact that my little niece knows who i am now. she refers to me as 'oonie'. she can't pronounce 'ma-low-knee' just yet.
#3 just because she recognizes me, doesn't neccesarily mean she's fond of me.
#4 we're doing kris kringle again for this christmas and i drew deb's name out of the hat. she is my new sister-in-law. this is an opportunity for me to get to know her even more. but, as much as i love to shop, i hate shopping for women.
#5 my older sister, antonette, is wearing the sweater i got her two christmases ago. i'm so happy when people use stuff i buy for them.
#6 i thought it'd be nice to get my 14 year old brother, anthony, a present. no reason, just that we haven't "bonded" in awhile. he's very much into rap and hiphop. in turn, i got him a cd by 50 cent. anthony played the cd in the stereo. as soon as my mom heard the magic F-words, anthony got in deep shit. and here i was thinking at the time i bought the cd, it was a toss up between 50 cent and eminem.
mighty maloney
soundtrack: 'celebrate' by the infidels. [ molly's website ] [ infidels' cd review ] lead singer, and now solo performer, molly johnson is truly a canadian talent. i love her voice.